Fertility Specialist

Yesterday Neal and I went to a Fertility Specialist, Dr. Herschlag. He helped Neal's sister get pregnant because she has PCOS. This man is wonderful! First of all, he was upset at all my losses. He even gave us his sympathies, which most Dr.'s don't normally do. He then discussed IVF w/ PGD. Since my 2 losses were due to Trisomy, he feels this is our best option, but it is up to us. IVF w/ PGD is a process in which they do a normal IVF cycle, put me on medication to get to me create a bunch of eggs, extract them from me and have them fertilized with Neal's sperm. The PGD stands for Preimplantation Genetic Diagnoses. In this process, after the eggs are fertilized, specialists extract a single cell and do testing on it to see if the embryos is developing properly. If it is properly developing, then it is implanted in my uterus and hopefully attaches itself and starts growing. We can have has many embryos implanted as we like, but Dr. Herschlag recommends two.

To get this process started, Dr. Herschlag was able to run some tests yesterday. He had his nurse take 3 vials of blood from Neal, which she had to did around for a vein. He wasn't happy about that. The nurse took 10 vials of blood from me. He is running these tests to check my hormones and to make sure both of us aren't positive for specific diseases.

My next appointment is on Monday for a physical exam and an ultrasound on my uterus to make sure there are no abnormalities in it. That should be quite painless.

Then on Wednesday, Neal and I go to a Genetics Counselor. At the genetic counselor they will do more blood work to see whether Neal or I carry a specific gene that is carrying a genetic disorder. It is possible that one of us or both could have a genetic illness even though we are not showing any signs of it. The reason for this is because the illness is recessive, only one gene was inherited and not two. If we have inherited a gene, it is possible that we can pass it on to our children. Dr. Herschalg explained, that this isn't always the case though. Sometimes a women can have multiple miscarriages and there is no explanation for it.

Our next appointment is Friday, May 21st. This appointment is for a consultation on the IVF w/ PGD. It will be in more detail and we can ask all the questions we have. Which I have a bunch already.

Then after that, if Neal and I decide to go ahead we start the IVF process. I'm hoping this is sometime in June and the embryos get implanted in July. We don't really know that yet. It's just my theory.

I'm truly excited about this process. We've told family members and they hate that we have to go through this, but it doesn't really bother me. If I get a healthy baby in the end, it will make me so happy.

Mother's Day

Today is and will be the worst holiday for me until I have a baby. It is so hard for any women who's been pregnant for how ever long and to lose that baby and then to be happy on Mother's day. It's unfair to us. We hurt so emotionally on this day and most people don't acknowledge it because our children aren't here with us. I am a Mommy. I will be a Mommy for the rest of my life whether or not I ever have a living child.

I went to lunch today with Neal, his mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and their children. It was so nice of his mom to get me a card for mother's day. His sister did too. I was caught a bit of guard by it. The card was so beautiful I started to cry. At that moment, I couldn't be strong any more. I knew today was going to be hard, but I can usually "suck it up" but at that moment, I missed my babies so much. It hurts so much everyday of my life to think about the "what ifs."

Today brings those "what ifs" on full force:

What if my girls were alive, Would they be walking now?
What if my girls were alive, Would they be talking now?
What if my girls were alive, Who would they look like: Me or their Daddy?

I wonder about this all the time and it's something that I'll never get the answers to. I'll never know what it will feel like to hug them and kiss them. To hear them laugh and to see their smiles. I do have memories of my girls that I will cherish forever, but it's just not enough. I can see them whenever I want cause I do have pictures of them, but it's not the same. This my sound odd to some people, but I ache for my babies. I didn't spend enough time with them and I regret that. I was so scared at that time. I didn't know what was "normal" so to say and I didn't have any one to help me. I just didn't know what to do and there was so much I wanted to do different.

Today is one and half years since the worst day of my life. Of course it's Mother's day. It another kick to the gut.