Friday, April 23, 2010

Another poem

I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again..
Thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
Thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms..I have you in my heart..

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A few poems to share!

Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You? ~

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God Can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one."


Daddy, Please Don't Look So Sad, Mommy Please Don't you Cry
"Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me Lullabies
Please, try not to Question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then he changed His Mind,

You see, I am a special Gift, and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my Halo's Brilliant Light.

You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your windowpane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows.
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there Giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies

~Author Unknown~

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom,
just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold. I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here,
Mom with all the lies you told!"

Here we go again!!

A few of my friends are starting to try for a baby. Once the talk gets started, it's hard to not want to try along with them. Neal and I discuss again and both agree to try to make a baby. You know how it goes, Third times a charm!

Well, not in our case. Beginning of March 2010 I get another positive pregnancy test!! I felt this was it. OMG, we're going to have a baby! Nothing can go wrong now! How stupid of me.

March 23rd, again I have red bleeding. Go to the doctors where I thought I measuring 6 weeks 1 day but am told that I'm only measuring 5 weeks 2 days. I knew it right then, it wasn't going to last. The doctor is optimistic though and tells us to come back in a week to see how things are progressing.

One week later the ultrasound tech tell us that I'm measuring 6 weeks 1 day. So the baby has grown. We see what we think is a slight flicker of a heartbeat. Speak with the doctor who says, give it some more time and we'll do another ultrasound. He wanted me to wait 2 weeks to come back and I told him no way could I wait that long. So we agreed on 10 days.

April 9, 2010... there's no heartbeat. I'm completely devastated. Immediately start crying. Poor Neal just wanted to comfort me, but he couldn't cause the doctor was still in the middle of preforming a vaginal ultrasound. Scheduled another D&C for Monday, April 12th.

We spoke to the doctor about why this happened again and he couldn't answer us right then. He's having testing done and we won't have those answers for another 2 weeks or so. Also I go back for my two week check up on Tuesday April 27th and at that time I'm getting a blood panel done to see if there's something wrong with me. I could have a clotting disorder or something else going on that is causing the miscarriage. Neal and I will wait the results of these tests to see what our next step will be.

Trying again

January 2009 comes around and the urge to have a baby is sitting on my like the weight of a ton of bricks. I've never in my life felt anything like this before. It was incredible. I tell Neal and he's on board for trying again. We started the next month in February. The next few months were grueling. We didn't get a positive pregnancy test until May 2009. I was so happy, until our first doctors appointment. I thought I was measuring further along, but the doctor told us I was 2 weeks behind but everything looked good. We saw the heartbeat on the monitor and was told to come back.

We went back a few weeks later and everything seemed to be just fine. The ultrasound showed a growing baby with a strong heart beat. We were told that things look great and to come back again in a few weeks.

On July 7th I had some red bleeding. I didn't know what to think. I was a mess. We went to the doctor and there was no heart beat. Again, my world came crashing down. I felt like I would never be a mom at this. I had a D&C scheduled for July 9 2009, just 8 months after I would lose my girls.

The doctor had testing done to see what caused the miscarriage. It was due to Trisomy 22. I did a lot of research on Trisomy and learned that it wasn't our fault. It's just something that happens and is the cause of most first trimester losses. This made me feel better. Not better about the fact that I lost a baby, but the fact that it was nothing specific to Neal or my genetics.

We both agreed though that some time away from trying would be good for us now.

Our first pregnancy!

After Italy, I stopped my birth control. We went to the doctor for a check up and were given the "Ok" to start. My doctor advised me that it could take 6 months to a year to get pregnant. Boy did she jinx us. I was back in the doctors office 7 weeks later for lack of a period and a positive pregnancy test. We were given an in-office pregnancy test and got the positive results from the doctor. This was on July 1st 2008. We were ecstatic. We told Neal's mom 2 days later and my family on July 4th. Everyone was so happy for us!

On Saturday, July 12th, we had a bit of a scare. I had some spotting. I immediately called the doctor but wasn't able to be seen until Monday, July 14th. That weekend I was a wreck and nervous. I did my best to take it easy and keep my feet up. Our appointment finally comes and we learn it was TWINS!! OMG!! I started to cry as soon as the ultrasound tech told us. I was in complete shock. Everyone was in shock. Neal's mom thought we were joking at first. His sister has triplets via IVF and she thought it would be a good joke, but we weren't lying!!

I continued to have some spotting on and off through out the first trimester of the pregnancy. Every time I spotted, I went to the doctor to make sure everything was going well. On July 24th, we learned they were identical twins. I was measuring 7 weeks, 6 days at that point. We learned that they were Monochorionic/Diamniotic (mono/di) Twins. Which means that they are in separate sacs but share a placenta. It is one of the worst sets of twins to have due to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) and other complications.

At my ultrasound on September 25th we learned we were having girls. It's like a little girls fantasy come true. I was so happy and couldn't wait to watch my girls grow up. We had started purchasing some baby items and started a registry. We knew we were going to need A LOT of things, especially since we were having twins. I was in my glory picking out outfits and furniture and everything baby related. We also started discussing girls names. I knew I already wanted the name Kayla Rose. We decided to name "Baby A" that or who ever came out first(the doctors had labeled them Baby A and Baby B. It depended on their location in the womb of who was closer to the cervix). We continued to discuss "Baby B's" name and finally came to a decision on Kaitlin Emily. It was a huge relief to have them named.

I would talk to my girls constantly. I would tell them about family, and the fun things we would do, and the vacations we would take. I told them how much their mommy and daddy loved them. How we would try to provide the best life for them we could.

We were seen by my OB/GYN for a while and started seeing a Perinatologist at 18 weeks. The first scan we learned that Kayla was receiving a much larger blood flow than Kaitlin was. It's called: Absent Ended Diastolic Blood Flow of the Umbilical Artery. He said that TTTS didn't seem to be an issue at this point. The perinatologist honestly didn't seem that worried. He started me on baby aspirin to help thin the blood a bit and told me to take it a bit easier. I did my best at relaxing any minute I could. We went back a few weeks later and the doctor told us that everything looked great. It seemed like our problems went away. I was so happy that my girls were doing good. I became naive so to say, from that point on. I thought my girls would be just fine. On November 4th I started having some cramping and back pain. The pain came every 10 minutes, lasted a couple of minutes and stopped after a half hour. I thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions.

I had an appointment on November 7th to check on them. I had an ultrasound and a NST (Non Stress Test) done. I had one contraction during the NST and told the nurse of the "contractions" I had early in the week. She said it was nothing to worry about. The doctor came told us after the ultrasound, again that TTTS was not of an issue at this point. I was asked by one of the nurses if I should have my cervix checked. I had no clue, and she said, "you should be fine" and I never had a check done. I learned that the girls were measuring about 2 weeks apart and that should have been a HUGE sign to the doctor that something was wrong, but nothing was never done. If I had only known what was about to come.

On November 8th we had a friends baby's Christening to go to. The party started at about 2pm. During the morning I was doing some things around the house and realized I needed pantyhose for the dress I was wearing to the party. During the day I wasn't having any pain, but had this pressure that I'd never felt before. I thought I was constipated and kept trying to go potty. I thought nothing of it since constipation comes with pregnancy. I also kept feeling like I was wetting myself. I changed my panties numerous times that morning. I ran out and got my pantyhose and came home and got ready for the party. While we were there, we were having a great time with friends talking and discussing bringing up children. It was such a nice time. At around 4:30 the back pains started again. I asked a friend who had fraternal twins herself what labor felt like. She said she never went into labor but told me sit and put my feet up, which I did. I continued to try and enjoy myself, but the pains kept getting worse. At about 5pm I told Neal we had to leave. The pain was getting unbearable. We got home and I changed into comfy clothes and tried to lay down and take it easy. The pain never let up and was coming quicker and quicker. I finally called my OBGYN and he told me to go straight to labor and delivery (L&D). The doctor explained over the phone that it was possible that I could have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). That kept me hopeful.

We arrive at L&D at the hospital and I filled out some paperwork and waited for Neal to park the car. We were taken back and put into an exam room. We were asked a bunch of questions and had an ultrasound done and the doctor said that they girls didn't seem to be that "off" on size from what the perinatologist told us. Again, small relief to me. Next the L&D doctor did an internal exam with the speculum and OMG did that hurt. I was crying and telling him it hurt so much. Right away the doctor noticed that my water sack was bulging. At that same second I knew it was over and nothing could be done to stop it.

We were admitted immediately. I was given magnesium to try and stop the labor. The first treatment worked, the second treatment, not at all. Neal and I were talked to from the Perinatologist at the hospital and were given a load of options for the best case and worst case scenario. Neal and I had to make the toughest decision of our lives.

When we got into L&D room everything was moving so fast. I was told I couldn't get out of bed and I was so uncomfortable. The bed was on a slant with my feet up in the air. It was try to help the labor decrease in progression. I had wraps on my legs that helped to stop blood clots. Neal went and called family members to inform them of what was going on. At around 11pm I was given an epidural. The doctor who was trying to put it in was having a hard time. It took him 3 tries and each time was more painful for me. I wanted him to stop! Finally, the medicine started to flow and I felt much better. The pain from my contractions was non existent at this point. Neal would be watching the monitor and asking me if I felt anything cause I would be having a very strong contraction. The night went by. Neal and I napped here and there. Nurses came in to check on me through out the night.

The next morning at about 9am some family started to arrive. I spoke with my OBGYN and he told me we needed to get things moving along. He asked me if I felt like I had to push and I said no. I really wasn't ready to move on. I knew what was coming and I wasn't looking forward to it.

My OBGYN did an internal exam and broke my water. The time was coming closer. I held out as long as I could but then I had no choice. It was time to push. At 10:38am Kayla Rose was born. She was so full of blood she was a dark red color and very swollen. She weighed 1 pound, 6 ounces. The doctor said that there was nothing he could do for her. I got to see her for a second. Then 3 minutes later Kaitlin Emily was born. She weighed 1 pound 1 ounce. Kaitlin looked like a little porcelain doll. Neal and I agreed on a Do Not Resuscitate. We both felt that Kaitlin would have a poor quality of life spending endless amounts of days in the NICU. She would have been in an incubator for at least 20 weeks and on breathing machines. I just couldn't do that to her. I didn't want to be selfish just so I could have my baby. Neal and I both feel the same way. We do not hold our decision against each other.

After I gave birth, the girls were wrapped in hospital blankets and a nurse took some pictures of them. Neal went to the waiting room to tell our families what had happened. When they were allowed, my mom and sister were the first to arrive. Then Neal's parent and his sister. We all cried. The hospital wouldn't let me leave that day. All I wanted was to be home, but I had to spend the night. After family left Neal and I were able to spend a few minutes with our girls. I got to hold them and told them how much I loved them. I wish I could have been with them longer.

Neal and I were put into a room together. The hospital put a little sign on the door so people would know we were grieving. They put us on the maternity ward which was kind of mean. If you walked around that floor you could hear babies crying and see classes going on for dad's about changing diapers. It was really heartbreaking to be there. During the night I cried a lot. I held my empty stomach and asked a lot of questions. I couldn't believe I went from being so happy that I pregnant with identical twin girls to the next minute having nothing. My world felt like it had ended.

The next day Neal and I were finally able to leave. We came home and had to start the next step. We called the funeral home and had a service scheduled. We went and bought flowers for them.

The service was heartbreaking. I couldn't stop crying. All I could think was that all these people should be around to celebrate their birth and welcome them into the world, but it was the complete opposite. There were no words and still are no words to help console someone at such a time.

After the service we let family see the girls and spend some time with them. Everyone got to say a pray and send their love and say their goodbyes. Neal and I took a few extra minutes and did the same.

Neal and I decided to have the girls cremated. I felt like I needed them home with me. I wanted to be able to visit with them whenever I wanted and not when a cemetery would let me. Neal and I weren't happy with the choices of urns from the funeral home, but we found beautiful ones online. They came with a necklace so to say, that hangs around the urn that has their name engraved on it with their date of birth. Right now I have them in their gigantic memorial box upstairs in my closet. Often enough, I open it and have a chat with them. I go through the items in there and look at their pictures.

Our friends did the most amazing thing and had stars named after the girls. A certificate comes framed that tells you the location of the star and a little about it. It also came with section of the sky so you can find it your self. Right now I have the certificate hanging in our family room and I think about my girls everyday.

I think of how different things would be now if they were here with us. How hectic our lives would. How much joy they would bring us. You never realize how much you miss something until its taken away from you.

The whole experience was traumatizing. Neal and I were going to wait a year till we were going to try again. To say the least, that didn't last long.

A little background first...

My husband, Neal and I met back in September of 2004. We were just friends at first. I had a lot going on in my life and wasn't ready to settle down at that time. He was going through a divorce and wasn't really ready himself.

We did hang out and get to know each other for a few months. When we were finally ready we started dating on April 2, 2005. Then in March of 2006 we were engaged. Married June 9, 2007. I love with him all my heart and he is my world. I'm so happy that we met and have been through all we have together, the happy and the sad. He is my rock and without I might be in a mental institution now.

Neal is lucky enough to be very smart in computers and has had a well enough salary that lets me be a housewife. At times I do get bored, but it's better than having to work. Right now though, he is out of work due to lack of company intelligence. It's a long story and I won't get into to it. He is actively per suing some work now though. I hope his lay off doesn't last too long.

We had discussed having children during our dating period and after we got married we decided to wait until after a trip to Italy in April/May of 2008 to start trying. The trip to Italy was fantastic. I would love to go back and see more one day. We went with his parents, his sister and brother - in - law, their 3 kids, a family friend and 2 of his aunts. There were a lot of us which made the trip so much fun. We had a great time going to Venice, Tuscany and Rome. The trip lasted 2 weeks and could have lasted 2 more. If you can make it to Italy, I highly recommend it.