Mother's Day

Today is and will be the worst holiday for me until I have a baby. It is so hard for any women who's been pregnant for how ever long and to lose that baby and then to be happy on Mother's day. It's unfair to us. We hurt so emotionally on this day and most people don't acknowledge it because our children aren't here with us. I am a Mommy. I will be a Mommy for the rest of my life whether or not I ever have a living child.

I went to lunch today with Neal, his mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and their children. It was so nice of his mom to get me a card for mother's day. His sister did too. I was caught a bit of guard by it. The card was so beautiful I started to cry. At that moment, I couldn't be strong any more. I knew today was going to be hard, but I can usually "suck it up" but at that moment, I missed my babies so much. It hurts so much everyday of my life to think about the "what ifs."

Today brings those "what ifs" on full force:

What if my girls were alive, Would they be walking now?
What if my girls were alive, Would they be talking now?
What if my girls were alive, Who would they look like: Me or their Daddy?

I wonder about this all the time and it's something that I'll never get the answers to. I'll never know what it will feel like to hug them and kiss them. To hear them laugh and to see their smiles. I do have memories of my girls that I will cherish forever, but it's just not enough. I can see them whenever I want cause I do have pictures of them, but it's not the same. This my sound odd to some people, but I ache for my babies. I didn't spend enough time with them and I regret that. I was so scared at that time. I didn't know what was "normal" so to say and I didn't have any one to help me. I just didn't know what to do and there was so much I wanted to do different.

Today is one and half years since the worst day of my life. Of course it's Mother's day. It another kick to the gut.